The Hot Boy's Club

More Recaps! …coming soon…

 I know this tumblr has been radio silent since “Pan Am” ended (ohhhh RIP “Pan Am”…how I’ll miss the Sexy Captain Dean gracing my screen occasionally on Sundays in between sporadic month long breaks…). A few people emailed me and sent me PM’s asking me whether or not I’ll be writing more recaps for other shows.

The answer is YES! …but not for another few months.

I’ve been eagerly waiting for The Doctor to return, partially because I miss him and partially because I’m certain we’ll be needing him very soon to save us from the Mayan Apocalypse that is fast approaching (I call first dibs on the biggest bed room in the TARDIS!) And when he does return I’ll be recapping the episodes every week, so if you’re a “Doctor Who” fan (and how could you not be?), and you like reading recaps, stick around.

Also… Season 2 of “American Horror Story”, is fair game for some weekly recaps if it’s as good as the first season, so AHS fans, stick around as well.

In the mean time if I see any funny things floating around tumblr that is Hot Boys Club material, I’ll reblog it here…and if there are any summer shows that you’d like me to recap, let me know. If I watch it (and I watch lots of shows!), I may just do it.

Otherwise, see you in the fall, folks!

Final Pan Am Dean and Colette (and George) Recap (Episode 1.14)

Okay kids, so “1964” marks the final episode of our lovely “Pan Am” adventures. Our two crazy love birds (and George!) are taking flight one last time so let’s recap on their final misadventures. The episode starts with the Clipper Majestic flying out of the TARDIS, back from their adventures in the alternate world last week.

Everyone knows when you date crazy nutters who turns into milk chugging, window breaking demons when you try to break up with them, the universe goes all wonky, and alternate worlds are created. If you remember correctly, Dean’s poor decision to sleep with Ginny way back in the beginning of the season before Dean and Colette consummated their relationship in the World’s Cleanest Pile of Hay on the floor of the World’s Cleanest Barn, led to the little timeline malfunction that was last week’s episode, which left everyone with their heads spinning in confusion. Thanks a lot Dean!

On the way back, the Clipper Majestic crew picked up Sanjeev the long lost navigator who had been hanging out in the Black Hole of Unexplained Absences with Bridget all this time. Colette is in first class being courted by Omar the Prince of Narnia, and Dean and the boys are in the cockpit doing what they do best- musing about life and the secrets of the universe while ignoring the plane that’s floating idly in the sky. They’re all like, “Ohh, look at that cloud, it looks like a statue of the goddess Venus being seduced by Aries, I wonder what it all means.” Sanjeev’s taking notes of said musings in a little brown journal he has in his hand, Dean’s twirling a little pen around that he’s been using to draw tiny hearts on the dashboard with and if the plane were to go down at that moment, none of them would have a single clue what the F just happened. In the first class lounge, the other esteemed Pan Am pilot who focuses more of his energy engaging in non-sanctioned activities than actually flying planes, Captain Sky God George Broyles, is trying to harass Maggie into helping him smuggle some stolen jewelry through US Customs. He’s like, “Look Mags, I know you like spending your time offering your passion and zealous sporadically to causes you only care about for a total of two episodes at most, but that can’t possibly pay much! I guarantee you’ll make way more money smuggling illegal goods in an out of the US. Please be my partner! I’ll even throw a, “We are the 99%!” t-shirt and ceramic coffee mug into the deal if you agree!” Maggie couldn’t resist the deal and neither could I. If the partnership with Maggie falls through, George-y Boy, I’ll be the Bonnie to your Clyde, and you can keep the t-shirt and coffee mug. Call me!

Back on the ground, Dean gets a mysterious envelope handed to him and Ted runs over to see what’s in it. “Juan Tripp offering you the moon route?” he asks as Dean tears open the letter. Dean is shocked to find that instead of being showered with promotions and special privileges as per usual, he’s been grounded! Turns out, Pan Am found out that Dean was the reason behind the mishap with the timeline going all wonky last week and he has a hearing pending for his misdeeds. They said it was because of something that happened in Haiti all those months ago, but please! How silly do they think we are to believe that they’d dig up a plotline that hasn’t been mentioned in weeks and plunk it right here in the series final? Dean is absolutely shocked by this. “I don’t understand!” he exclaims, “I thought everybody in this airline understood and agreed that I’m just too darn pretty to bare any consequence for my actions, poor decisions and bad behaviors! How are they NOT letting me get away with this! This is pure INJUSTICE!” Ted pats him on the back and looks at him with supportive and sympathetic eyes while the beautiful image of him in the captain’s seat is beginning to look more and more golden by the minute.

 Eavesdropping on the conversation is George, hiding behind the counter, giggling at Dean’s misfortunes. He’s thinking to himself, “Yeah, that’s right, you punch me in the face kid and I’ll smuggle all the cigarettes, alcohol, and existing endangered live Siberian tigers in the world through your cargo-hold, then I’ll frame you for the crime, and then whack you over the head with a shovel, kill you, shred you to pieces in a meat grinder, feed you to the smuggled tigers then resurrect you, toss you in an alternate timeline where your demonic crazy, ex-illicit lover will suck out your soul, and then after all that I’ll pull you back into this timeline and have your license suspended! Take that! I’ll bet you regret punching me now don’t you? Why don’t YOU find another ride home, little boy? Because, The Sky God doesn’t f-around!” Maggie shows up at that moment and George recomposes himself, after remembering the real reason he was hanging out at the counter—he wants to see if Maggie was successful smuggling the jewels through customs. He oh-so-discretely shoves Maggie out of the hall into the room and no one cared. “Oh, that’s just George, shoving around stewardesses again! Best let him do his thing!” We find out that George is planning on meeting the buyers of the jewels tomorrow, and Maggie insists on going along.

 In Narnia, Colette’s still being courted by Omar who had conjured up a table filled with magical food. He wants to make this courtship official by having Colette fill up two vials of her blood, one to do a DNA test with and the other to wear around his neck. He also wants Colette to take an extensive background check to see if she’s some sort of serial killer and Colette bats her pretty eyelashes at him and smiles that oh so irresistible smile of hers, and silently hopes that he’ll be too distracted by her adorable charm to find the bodies of Ginny and Bridget in her backyard where she had buried them.

Climbing out of her closet and returning home from Narnia, Colette finds Dean sitting on her doorstep like a lost Golden Retriever puppy. Dean smells the scent of another man on Colette and starts to act up in jealousy. He’s jumping up and down on her, tugging at her pant leg and growling and she goes all Ceaser Millan on him being all like, “shhts, shhts”- you all know what I’m talking about. Then she smacks him over the nose with a rolled up newspaper and leaves him out on the porch with no dinner for the night.

Meanwhile, the Sky God is having trouble shaking off a rabid dog of his own in the form of Maggie. He’s sitting in a small office, with two appropriately suspiciously looking guys, trying to sell off his stolen jewels, and just as he was about to begin wishing Maggie hadn’t tagged along, Maggie flips out, grabs all the jewels and sprints out of the office as fast as her 10 inch heels could take her. George follows closely behind as Maggie announces to him, “They’re trying to rob us! No really, they are! You see there was a time when I pretended to speak Portuguese to get Pan Am to hire me and the only phrase I learned during my time lying about being bilingual was the phrase, “we are going to rob the shit out of these idoits!”, isn’t that convenient?” Sure enough, two men with guns run up the stairs at that very moment prepared to stage a robbery.

 At Dean’s hearing, Ground Manager Snape is just overcome with glee that he finally gets another shot to nail Dean after letting him slip through his claws after the whole Haiti hoopla. “You landed in a hostile country, left a dead man on the tarmac, threaten a paying passenger, smuggled an illegal immigrant into this country, wore a three piece jean ensemble, slept with Bridget, messed around with Crazy Ginny, caused a ripple in the space time continuum and created an alternate universe that left all the viewers disorientated for an entire episode, but worst of all, buddy, WORST OF ALL, you did some Inappropriate for Work PDA with a girl outside of my office! Outside. Of. MY. Office!” Dean, as usual is non-remorseful of his many wrongdoings. “In the end,” he attests, “I think we can all agree that my poor decisions are incomparable to my good looks and I think we all know that means you’re all going to let me off the hook, so let’s skip formalities and jump to the part where you let me slide with a small slap on the wrist as usual, shall we?” The two guys sitting on the sides are both secretly wearing their “When In Doubt, Let Dean Slide,” t-shirts underneath their fancy suits and they’re both nodding their heads agreeing with Dean with tears in their eyes, but Ground Manager Snape wasn’t caving. No one desecrates the sanctity of his office with their Inappropriate for Work PDA and gets away with it! The man wants blood.

 While that’s going on, Maggie, that mischievous little pixie fairy, flutters back to those men who almost robbed her and George to try another hand at selling off her smuggled jewels. She stares them down with those giant, round psycho eyes, then she sprinkles her fairy dust of mischief on them and the men, spellbound, forks over all their cash. Maggie’s very pleased with herself and she celebrates by rolling around on her pile of cash. George walks in, impressed and he says to her, “I’ve got some business to take care of over there at Pan Am, but how about a quickie to celebrate before I go?” Maggie obliges and pulls him on top of her and the dough.

 That night, Colette’s courtship and romance with the Prince of Narnia promptly ends after the revelation that the White Witch is being released from her ice prison, and coming back to strike Narnia with her wrath. Before Omar runs off to fight the White Witch for the glory of Narnia and Aslan, he presents Colette with a picture of her dead parents and her long lost baby brother.

Back at what has turned out to be the longest hearing in the world, as day had time to turned into night and then day again, and Maggie had time to trade in her ill-gotten jewels from some cash, George had time to cash in on his smuggling endeavors (and I’m not just talking about money here), and Colette had time to discover the existence of a long lost brother, Dean is awaiting the final decision of his hearing. Suddenly, when it seems that the worst may come, the unexpected ally that comes to Dean’s aid is…Captain Sky God George Broyles! Question, who didn’t expect to see the “unexpected ally” turn out to be George? Answer, nobody. George suddenly had a change of heart. Remembering all the fun times the two had together, you know, like the time Dean almost got shot in the cockpit by the KBG guy, or the time Dean sucker punched him to the ground at the fancy party, yeah, George knew he’d miss those days if Dean were to get fired and he’s determined to see that it doesn’t happen! “I wasn’t here for the majority of this season since my agent didn’t book me this gig until after they stop needing my epic-douchey services over there on “Mad Men”, but let me just say, despite the fact that I wasn’t there, I am the perfect candidate to speak on behalf of Captain Dean, because I just KNOW in my heart that Captain Dean should not be fired! Look, if you bureaucrats think dumping a dead body on the tarmac in Haiti is bad, you should get a whiff of what I’ve been up too…I’ve got about three dozen smuggled live baby African White Elephants in the cargo hold of the Clipper Majestic, and that’s just the start of it.” Now, the most important message here, kids, that you must remember is that if you find yourself in a jam and on the brink of losing your career, you at least know that you went down with good friends at your side, your integrity in tack and the knowledge that you did what you thought was right. No, I’m only joking, what kind of silly nonsense is that? Of course, the real thing to do is, when all else fails, go ahead and hand over a forged letter. And that is exactly what George does. He nudges Dean and gives him a wink, “It’s from Maggie, when she’s not busy pretending to speak Portuguese and or selling you out for sleeping with Ginny, she’s mastering her skills of letter forging.” Dean’s flabbergasted, “Why didn’t I think of that? All this time I thought I could rely on my looks to get me out of this fix, but that is genius!” The two high five each other under the table, while they watch the suckers get conned.

 Dean’s suspended for six months and he thought he’d drain those Pan Am assholes for all they’re worth before he goes by downing as much free booze as possible from the plane. He enlists Ted to help him. In the plane, Dean and Ted are ringing into the New Years and summing up their regrets. “I’m suspended for six months and Colette’s still mad at me,” says Dean. “I knocked up a lesbian and am about to lose Laura,” says Ted. “At least we still have each other,” they agreed, and they hug before stumbling back to Ted’s apartment, drunk out of their minds, in time for the ball to drop.

The final scene has our crazy love birds, standing on the balcony of Ted’s apartment together watching the ball drop, they share a kiss and as the camera zooms out we are left with a lingering hope that there may be a chance for them after all. And with that, my friends, “Pan Am” ends.

Pan Am Dean and Colette Recap (Episode 1.13)

Okay kids, so we’re just one episode away to “Pan Am” taking flight for the last time, but before the inevitable demise of the show our crazy love birds were up to their usual shenanigans, so let’s recap the misadventures they were on this week.

To start, “Romance Languages” confirmed what I had already suspected long ago, that the Clipper Majestic is a time machine. We are plunked back to a time before Gallifrey was destroyed and the Time Lords were wiped out. Dean and Colette were still on good terms in this time, but probably the biggest twist of all is that Dean shows up in his first scene out of uniform actually wearing a decent outfit. It makes me think that we are actually in an alternate universe and not time traveling to the past at all.

 In this world where Dean opts for an all black ensemble in lieu of a three piece jean ensemble, Ginny, back from the abyss she had disappeared to in the other universe, storms out of Dean’s apartment in a huff. Ginny is mad and I mean the word “mad” where “bat shit crazy” is the definition. Dean had just told her that it’s over and Ginny is all like, “I don’t believe this, it makes no sense! You mean to tell me that I used my powers to create an alternate timeline where you didn’t have sex with Colette in a haystack just so we can be together and we still can’t be together?!” Dean tells her to calm down and Ginny screams and punches the air and curses the gods and tells Dean that she loves him. Dean shrugged and gives her the coldest answer to her declaration of love in the history of cold answers and says to her, “I’m sorry”. His coldness makes Ginny’s eyes grow redder than the polka-dotted red dress on her body, but not nearly as red as the red lipstick on her lips and she bares her teeth and growls, and says in seriously these words exactly, “Oh you’re sorry alright, you are sorry, sorry, man!” then she kills Dean. Just kidding! But she did pick up a few bottles of milk conveniently placed in the shrubs right beside her and started to chuck them at Dean. That’s fine and all, Ginny, but just please NOT HIS FACE! DON’T HIT HIS PRETTY FACE! This scene had me googling “time of day milk was delivered in the 1960s”, no joke. Did they really deliver milk that late at night? Or do people at the time just leave their milks out in the shrubs until the next morning? Wouldn’t the milk get spoiled? Maybe those milks were not drinking milks, but designed just for your chucking pleasures so all the better if they were spoiled milk. Alas, google was none-the-wiser, so I settled for them being Spoiled Milks for Chucking and not Drinking Milks as the final verdict.

The next morning Colette is walking into operations with an un-introduced Pan Am employee. Once Upon A Time, in an alternate universe, before Colette met a prince and became a princess she was a sucker for charity cases and she decided to offer her babysitting services to a little boy flying home to Rome unsupervised. Dean walks up to that counter where everyone goes to talk about crazy ex-girlfriends whose names coincides with hurricanes, and illegal flight lessons they had while giving a lift to a group of rowdy sailors or where ex-fiancés pop up unexpectedly to ruin your life. This time the Counter of Inappropriate for Work Talks has Dean frantically checking to see if crazy Ginny has booked a seat on his flight. Colette tells him, “no”, and I’m just overjoyed to see that Dean’s pretty face survived the spoiled milk throwing fiasco unharmed! Enter the little boy flying unsupervised who opens with this gem of a pick-up line, “Are you two married? Because I’m available.”  No Joke. Dean looks at him and is all, “Seriously dude? We need to work on your game. When you turn eighteen, give me a call and I’ll show you how it’s done. Trust me, I’ve had girls fighting over me left and right since episode one.” The kid, whose name is Charlie says, “Deal!” and the two shake on it, giving Charlie the chance to steal Dean’s watch. Charlie offers to take Colette’s bag as the two prepare to embark on the flight to Rome.

On the flight the talented Pan Am Helper Mice are on holiday, probably sipping Pina Coladas somewhere nice with Sanjeev, so Dean is forced to actually stay in the cock pit and tend to the airborne plane during the flight this time. He does so by turning the knob above his head, because that’s really all there is to flying a plane, turning knobs and flicking buttons up and down. Dean’s telling Ted about his run in with Crazy Ginny the night before while Not Sanjeev sits in the back fully aware of the fact that whatever he says can’t possibly live up to the pearls Sanjeev used to shed before he went on the Never-Ending Holiday, so wisely, he just kept his mouth shut. He thinks to himself, “Ah, at least my agent negotiated a full facial shot, which is a better deal than what the other Not Sanjeevs got,” before turning his head and giving us a nice smile for the camera. Meanwhile Ted is talking about how all girls are crazy, and as though to prove his point Laura pops into the cockpit and announces her crazy idea to have Dean rock the plane. Ted asks why, and Laura explains, “Because there are two passengers getting it on in the bathroom and everyone knows that the only way to get two people to quit hogging the bathroom and back into their seats is to put the fear of death into them, and by that I mean to rock the plane senseless until they either scamper out of the bathroom and back into their seats or you crash the plane, whichever comes first.” Dean is like, “Oh that makes sense,” and obliges.

Luckily, the two naughty passengers made the smart decision to go back to their seats because they’ve learned what we’ve learned in thirteen episodes which is that the Clipper Majestic Crew doesn’t f- around! The plane lands safely in Rome where we discover that when Laura isn’t busy cooking up creative ways to get people to take her seriously and stop having sex in the plane’s bathroom, she’s learning Italian, and she’s helping Dean and Colette clear a mix-up on who gets to take Charlie home. Colette learns that Charlie’s parents are dead and that Charlie learned how to pick a pocket or two from a man named Fagin who teaches homeless little orphan boys how to be highly trained criminals, she and Dean feel bad for him and they invite him to dinner, but beware! A dark cloud lurks in the corner in the form of Crazy Ginny!

Having climbed out of the cargo hold where she spent an entire flight smoking a shit load of illegally smuggled cigarettes, Ginny’s waiting in the hotel lobby dressed in an ominous black dress with a fur shrug made from baby Labrador retrievers. Dean doesn’t seem at all surprised to see Ginny there, because, really, what else do you expect a Grade-A-Nut Job to do if not stalk you? He tells Ginny, “Not here, but hey, why not come to my hotel room, because spoiled milk-a-chugging, psycho-a-stalking aside, I’m sure it’s totally safe and a good idea to be in a room alone with you.”

Inside the hotel room, Ginny’s facing the window, gripping it tightly with tears streaming down her face. She doesn’t say a word, but Dean’s trying to convince her to have a seat and talk it out. Despite all he’s seen from the woman, he’s still optimistic that this will turn out well and he could cure Ginny of her crazy. Oh how wrong he was as things quickly take a turn for the worst. He offers Ginny a drink, “Some milk maybe? Oh wait, no, I don’t have any because you chugged them at my face the night before!” then he tells her that it’s still over between them, and Ginny…I don’t know, man… in a scene that will have shrinks scratching their heads for years to come, Ginny just goes and smashes her head straight into the window.

Dean has her taken to a hospital and when she wakes up and finds herself in a straitjacket, Dean is there waiting for her, because hey, she may be crazy, and they may be over, but he’s still a gentleman.  Banging her head against the window made her forget everything in the last 24 hours and she reverts back to a time when Dean and she were sneaking around giggling and jujubeeing each other in the back seat of Henson’s Bentley. She tells him she loves him again and Dean repeats his award winning line of pure coldness, “I’m sorry”, because it went so well the last time he said it. This time there are no glass bottles of spoiled milk to throw at Dean or glass windows to smash her head through, but although Ginny has no tools to utilize her crazy, but resourcefulness, fear not, she’s still got something up her sleeves. The camera pans backwards and she sits up slowly and stares into the camera with menacing eyes, and between that and the dreary hospital lighting, it all just seemed very sinister. I found myself shouting, “RUN DEAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!” at the TV screen. Everyone knows the pretty guys always die first in horror movies and I just couldn’t watch Dean get his soul sucked out by the She Demon, so I hid underneath my blankets. Somehow, Dean made it out alive and phoned up Colette to cancel dinner plans. In the other world this would be the part where he runs off into Bridget’s arms, but in this world, he’s busy fending off demons and has absolutely no time for that sort of nonsense.

While Dean’s busy stocking up on holy water, Colette’s having a nice dinner with Charlie. Charlie’s working his charms on Colette to the best of his thirteen years old ability. He’s really smitten with Colette, he’s waxing poetic to her, being all like, “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, If I were Eighteen…ah what the hell, I’m sure age is just a number to you.” He tells Colette to close her eyes for a “magic trick” and tries to kiss her, that sneaky bastard! In response to a move that would have any grown man slapped right in the face for unwanted sexual advances, Colette simply shakes her head and sits him down, tucks his napkin under his chin and reminds him not to play with his food when dinner arrives.

The next morning Ginny’s hungry again so she summons Colette as her next victim. Dean’s made it through the night unharmed and its standard horror movie rules that if you make it to daylight alive, you’re in the safe zone for a couple of hours until night falls and the terror begins again. So, whew! Dean’s good for now. He’s winding down from a long night of fending off the demon by enjoying a nice cup of espresso while wearing a lovely blue sweater that brings out the color of his eyes. While he’s doing that, Colette bravely ventures into the Chamber of Secrets alone to have an audience with the basilisk.

Just at that moment Henson Marvalo Riddle struts into the hospital, and throws unforgivable curses killing all the nurses standing by. Poor Dean…just when he thought he’s out of the woods, He Who Shall Not Be Named, comes back into his life ready to pry the final horcrux out of his hands. Dean couldn’t take the pressure anymore so he told Henson everything. He’s like, “I regret my actions more than I can say. No really, I do, if I had known how crazy Ginny was before getting ‘involved’ with her, I’d probably be four bottles of spoiled milk and a couple thousand dollars to replace a broken hotel window richer.” Meanwhile in the Chamber of Secrets, Colette is startled by the revelation that there’s a traitor amongst Gryffindor House! You can see Colette furrowing her brows adding and subtracting and coming out with Maggie as the traitor. Back outside, Henson unsurprisingly threatens to have Dean fired, but Dean wasn’t going to go down easy, oh no! He turns right around and blackmails the shit out of Henson. “How’s your wife?” he asks, “I’d sure like to get ‘involved’ with her too and after I do that I’d tell her all about you and your mistress.” Henson scampers back over to Dean and begs him not to tell. Dean offers him Ginny and his silence in exchange for his job and the elder wand. Henson agrees. Well done, Captain Lowrey, I always knew you belonged in Slytherin House. A victory for Dean and also a victory for Colette who defeated the basilisk and made it out of the Chamber, the two of them walk hand in hand out of the hospital and into the sunset after a hard battle won.

Later on that night, Colette’s fast asleep in her hotel room while Charlie is standing over her watching her sleep like some sort of Edward Cullen. It seems this alternate universe is filled with psycho stalkers and they start them on the crazy train young too. Colette wakes up to find the kid holding a knife in his hand disguised as a bouquet of flowers. “Charlie you frightened me,” says a very startled Colette. “Good,” said the kid, “I’m glad you’re scared!” …seriously, Colette really needs to log a complaint with the front desk before she checks out tomorrow morning for the lack of safety at the hotel. I mean, I know the kid is a master pick pocket and possibly a master lock picker too, but it shouldn’t be that easy to break into a guest’s room! The hotel really needs to get that shit sorted out. Fortunately, Colette is clever enough to talk down the crazy better than Dean was able to, and she managed to get rid of Charlie without any bottles of spoiled milk or windows having to suffer.

Our brave heroes make it back to New York in one piece. Maggie’s walking around with the word “SNITCH” on her face from a hex Colette put on her. Nobody gets away from snitching on Dean. Nobody. Dean thanks Colette for all her help and just then, The Doctor repairs the hole in the space time continuum and they all get throttled back into their real timeline, ready to take their last flight!

Pan Am Dean and Colette Recap (Episode 1.12)

This week’s episode of “Pan Am”, opens with Kate learning a new spy skill. She’s learning how to pick pocket, Neal Caffrey style. Two episodes left till cancellation, and these “Pan Am” writer’s still haven’t realized that nobody really cares about Kate and her super spy plotline. What plotline do we care about, then, you ask? Why, Dean and Colette of course! And those two crazy little love birds were up to all sorts of excitement this week, so here’s a recap of their latest misadventures.

First scene in New York, Dean is getting ready to set off on a flight to Rome. Ted shows up just to announce to Dean that he won’t be on that flight. Old Teddy Bear here really just decided to take the time out of his day to pop over to work to remind Dean that he still exists. The airline business is a fast moving business, you see, especially when you fly for Captain Dean’s crew. Dean’s got pilots dropping off of his flight deck like flies, never to be heard from or spoken of ever again. Remember Sanjeev? No, neither does Dean…and Teddy Bear wasn’t about to suffer the same fate. Ted tells Dean that he’s sitting this flight out because he wants to spend more time getting to know his future wife. Dean is jealous because Ted is wearing a beautiful tweed jacket over a very lovely blouse he made from his great-aunt Vanderway’s couch, it puts the three piece jean ensemble that Dean rocked a few episodes back to shame. Also, Dean’s jealous of Teddy Bear’s love life because his is nonexistent. One of his girlfriends, Bridget, appears to have run off in the TARDIS and disappeared into time and space because she’s missing from this episode without explanation. The other isn’t speaking to him. Ted gives Dean some advice, something about never giving up and not marrying the fun ones, I’m sure it was all very sound and wise advice but I wasn’t paying attention, I was too distracted by that lovely couch-skin blouse. Yes, it’s made from a real couch, and no, don’t worry, that couch didn’t suffer.

On the plane, Dean is hanging out in the cockpit with his new unidentified pilots. They’re just standing around, watching some new viral video on youtube over Not Sanjeev-the new navigator’s, shoulders. Then Dean spots Colette and goes over to get his flirt on, he leaves Not Sanjeev and Not Ted to get acquainted on their own. Dean’s like, “Hey Colette, I know I’ve sent you like a billion texts and emails and have called you a million times, I even tried blocking my number from your caller ID, hoping you’d pick up not knowing that it was me, but nothing’s work. You have to quit ignoring me!” Colette’s had it up to HERE with Dean, and she’s busy focusing her energy into not talking to him. The easiest way to do that, she decided was to keep her back turned to him, because who can resist talking to his pretty face? Dean’s not used to not getting what he wants and he’s relentless, and is all like, “Aw, come on, I know you’re mad about the whole Bridget thing, but I really think we can work through this if we just open up and talk all about our feelings. Here, let’s write a Haiku poem expressing how we really feel. You start the first line, and I’ll do the second!” Colette’s like, “We have nothing to talk about.” Dean who’s abruptly decided that he’s fallen in love with the wall, casts his eyes to the side to speak to it, “I’ve fallen in love with you,” he says, before remembering he’s supposed to be delivering that line to Colette, and turns his gaze back on her to finish his thought, “And I know I haven’t made a single good decision in my love life since the minute the first episode was aired, but I’ll do whatever it takes to prove that to you.” Colette doesn’t believe him, and she’s right not to, and she tells him she’s getting away from him and his prettiness by transferring to Hong Kong.

Just at that moment this already messy love triangle, suddenly transforms into a love square with the introduction of Omar, a man with no luggage, no passport and no boarding pass. It’s a wonder how that guy even got past the gate, but I guess those were less cynical times, and people didn’t need silly things like passports and boarding passes. Omar is like, “Whew, so glad I caught the plane. Took a wrong turn almost missed you guys.” And Dean’s like, “Ah no worries, we’re not going anywhere cause I’ve been standing out here all this time. I’ve got my little trained helper mice warming up the plane for me, while I’m busy trying to ease my relationship woes.”

Amazingly, Dean manages to get his shit together long enough to climb back into the cockpit and get the plane up in the air. The minute the plane’s up and running, Dean’s out of the cockpit again. Those are some really talented helper mice Pan Am’s trained, so have no fear, ladies and gentlemen flying on the Clipper Majestic, those clever little creatures may only be a few inches tall, but they’ll keep the plane afloat while the Captain takes care of the more pressing matter of freeloading on the booze and spying on Colette behind the curtains. Colette’s handing out free drinks to the mysterious passenger, Omar and trying to get tips on how to sneak onto an airplane without the proper documentation. The guy’s like, “Oh I know people in high places, *wink, wink*.” It isn’t obvious to Colette that her mysterious new friend might be a royal who’s escaped the palace life to holiday around Rome cause I guess she’s never seen that one Audrey Hepburn movie. She takes pity on the guy, because he doesn’t even have luggage and we all know how Colette loves herself a good charity case, and agrees to be his personal tour guide around Rome. Meanwhile, Dean’s lurking behind the curtains, watching all this go down, and drinking his feelings away. Kate takes that opportunity to refill his drink, to get him drunk while she picks his pocket a little, but fails on the latter part, and runs away quickly to try her sticky fingers on another victim.

The plane lands miraculously, due to the excellent piloting skills of the helper mice and before de-boarding the plane Dean gets accosted by a couple of Men With Badges, and let me tell you, folks, these dudes they look like they mean business. Somebody has forged Dean’s signature and has attempted to smuggle cigarettes in the plane’s cargo hold. The Men With Badges tries to threaten Dean. They’re all like, “If we don’t find somebody to pin this on, buddy, you’re going to lose your license and face criminal charges.” Dean’s all, “Me? Lose my license? Face criminal charges? Please, you’re joshing, don’t you know who I am? Did you hear about that one time I dumped a dead body on the tarmac in Haiti and smuggled an illegal 17 years old girl into the country? Nothing ever happens to me, I’m untouchable. But if you need to pin the smuggling on somebody, I think I can help you out with that.” The wheels in Dean’s head are all a-turning, and he’s coming up with an evil plan to eliminate the competition by having that mysterious passenger, Omar arrested for smuggling. Clever, and very convenient, well done Dean.

A few hours later, they’re at the hotel, and Colette’s wearing a hair piece that makes her look so beguiling and irresistible. She’s just coming back from her date with Omar. Dean sees her climbing off Omar’s motorcycle, and he walks over to pee all over her and mark his territory. Colette’s just like, “Omar, meet my stalker.” There’s a party going down that night and Dean assumes that Colette’s going to the party with him, because come on, he’s Dean Lowery, the hottest airline pilot in the history of Pan Am, do you really expect him to go stag? Colette’s like, “Nope sorry, I’m bringing Omar.” Dean’s left stunned and speechless. He’s not quite sure what just happened there. I’m not even quite sure what just happened there. Did Dean just NOT have things go exactly his way? For a moment there I was worried that the space-time-continuum was about to rupture, and cybermen and deleks will be making their way down the streets of Rome. We’d need The Doctor to come straighten this shit out. Luckily, the disturbance of the balance of nature caused by Dean not always getting what he wants, didn’t have that adverse an effect and he just went off to lick his wounds until the party.

Plan Get-Love-Rival-Arrested-for-Smuggling’s a-go. Dean marches into the party while Colette’s dancing with Omar, with the Men With Badges by his side. They totally turn on him though, because today just isn’t Dean’s day, and to add salt to the wound they reveal that Mysterious Omar is actually Prince Omar! Dean’s like, “Oh, damn, he’s a prince? Not even me and my beautiful face can compete with that!” He starts to panic, and curse the skies for this misfortune, but Colette has forgotten who he was already. She was like, “Hum? Dean? Dean who?” the minute she heard her latest charity case was a REAL LIFE PRINCE! Finally, being a good person paid off. She sends Dean off with a wave of a hand, practicing that royal gesture for when she becomes princess in the near future. She needs to discuss engagement plans with her new prince, and she can’t have Dean lurking around while she does that. She’s like, “So Prince, I wasn’t interested in dating you before, but I totally am now. Oh, no, I’m not treating you differently because you’re a prince. Not At All.” She quickly agrees to go to a party with him at the White House next week.

At the bar Dean’s sulking. He’s wallowing in regret and kicking himself for everything he’s done wrong since the minute he first appeared on screen in the pilot episode. But if ifs and buts were candies and nuts then Dean wouldn’t have worn that unforgiveable three piece jean ensemble back in episode 9. The Men With Badges come over to console Dean, and they’re still eager to get to the bottom of all this cigarette smuggling nonsense. Dean somehow puts it all together that it’s the Sky God who has hitched a ride to Rome, presumably on Dean’s flight, who was doing all the smuggling, and Dean’s just pissed out of his mind. Give Dean the silent treatment and deny being Dean’s date to a fancy party? No big deal. Ending up being the prince of a place no one’s ever heard of and taking off with the girl Dean currently has his eyes on? He’ll get over it after a couple of drinks. But if you ever, and I mean EVER forge his signature and sneak a few thousand cartons of cigarettes onto the cargo hold of Dean’s plane, look out! You piss Dean off, Dean will smite you. Simple as that. He marches up to the Sky God and sucker punches him to the ground. “Find another ride home,” he says. That’s right, the Sky God just found himself on Captain Dean’s personal no-fly list…daaammnn….

Back in New York, Dean’s had a chance to regain his composure. He gives a half-assed apology to Colette about trying to get Omar arrested for smuggling. Colette accepts, despite the apology being half-assed, because, come on, it’s Dean, half assing his emotions is all he’s capable of…you have to work with what you’ve got. She kisses him on the cheeks, because, hey, he may not be a prince, but he’s still so beautiful it should be a crime and she’s still a woman with needs.

The final scene has Colette wrapping her arms around Dean as they are all standing around watching the news of Kennedy’s assassination. The camera angle manages to frame Dean’s face perfectly in that scene and Dean shows off his talent of looking horrified and distressed without ruining the prettiness of his expression. A Bajillion points to Slytherin!

What will happen with Colette and Dean next?